newww journal

alllright.....back to school, HOORAY

it's been going alright....i'm really stressing about grades though (like i dont ever? haha) butif i actually applied myself every now and then i wouldnt worry so much...next semester....i will be working my tush off......

monday: class, ate at mcdonalds with james and caro, went to the bank, found out i was overdrawn and called mom...i told her to tell daddy because i refused to have him call me stupid...that i didnt like talking to him....yay for mommas! played poker and watched God Send at emorys, woo!

tuesday: not so great day...was gunna go toclass at 9:30 and 11...then work at 1...yeah i definitely WOKE UP at 1, rushed to get to work, dealt with a jerkbag customer, was freezing cause i had no jacket, hadnt eaten yet so was dying of starvation...and then when i finally got to go home at 6.....i had a ticket on my car for the meter being expired...oops...good thing it's only 5 dollars...watched the boys play intramural football, haha it was grand..then an impromtu party at emory's afterwards complete with Amityville Horror...

wednesday: spontaneous weekday blast at Shannons...haha oh that was entertaining Shannon and Daniel had fun talking with some random dude that called courtney... "son, you ever seen a 6'7" mexican?!" "maybe if you stacked 3 on top of eachother" hahaha it was wonderous

Thursday: class, lunch, lab review, work from 3-close.....

Friday:class and then absolutely nothing until oleson got in town..went to books-a-million with he and sarah, came home, got dressed went to Shannons...caroline came over when she got off work, we got dressed and went to Ogden's "dress nice" party...i love dressing up...it's so fun...back to shannons....then to waffle house with kyle. That was so fun..some weird random drunk kid was yelling about grape juice breast milk, LOL...and before we knew it, it was 4 so we decided to leave..such a cool kid... :)

and now, here i am...at work..lol...fun...but i'm doing what? oh yeah, playing on the computer..my job is awesome..haha

Mom and Gram should be on a plane right now on their way to huntsvegas! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

alright so thanksgiving. special.

my mom is out of town..my sister was being mean and my dad..well......he's my dad. we dont speak, never really have...he alwyas expects me to mess up. i will never be good enough for him. ever. and i'm sick of it.

i've come to a decision that from now on if my mother isnt here, i'm not coming home. and i'm not kidding. i would rather sit in an empty apartment in auburn all alone while everyone is out of town than be here with him.

i'm tired of him making me feel like crap all the time. this is why we never spoke before. i'd rather go back to the days when people didnt even know i had a dad.

so why did i decide i'd stay here until sunday afternoon? oh wait, that's right. becuase i'm stupid and thought i'd like to go to church and see my church friends before i head out of town.i'm coming back in two weeks.when my mom will actually be here (if all goes as planned) so WHY did i decide to subject myself to this for longer than necessary?

i dont want to be here. but i have no where to go. mary's getting ready for her date tonight. and its no like i have any money so i cant relly do anything that costs money. this sucks. please just someone put me out of my misery or something. there is nothing worse than feeling completely inadequate on top of feeling utterly alone. ugh, i'm getting out of here. i dont know how or what i'm doing but i'm getting off thec oputer at least...maybe lock myself in my room. and just not speak to my father. mom isnt even here to get hi m to realize how badly he's over reacting and how harsh his words are. how badly they hurt me.

i wish i didnt feel like a regret to him.

i want my mommy

so jere, donovan, and michelle..i love ya'll :) i already thanked you audrey, haha

Things seem to be looking up a tad....my andkle is getting better (i think) and i havent died from taking this medicine wrong..hahaha
-scary movies rock my face off....
-girls nights are amazing
-Grammie is better! yay!
-Mom probably isnt going to be home for thanksgiving
-I've been spending way too much money
-saw ben today....he read part of the letter ty sent him...i'm glad he's doing well..
-it was freaking 80 degrees here today...and the low is 39....explain THAT to me....rarrrr
-I have an english presentation tomorrow...yay....
-i've been slacking..badly...
-i need sleep....i think i'll get some...

everything hits at once huh? keep me in your prayers...please...i need it....

gram is sick...i'm just trying to keep my fingers crossed that she gets better...

my dad is crazier than i thought....ugh...i just...i cant believe the way his mind works sometimes....

i hate trying so hard....trying so so hard....and just having him still expect me to screw up somehow...thinking the worst of me...constantly feeling like i'm not good enough....like i'm a failure...like he regrets me....i know this proabbly sounds crazy...and it probably is...but you have no idea...ugh, i cant do this right now..i'm gunna go watch my show and stop crying..then i'm headed to the library.....